Bittersweet Lies (Bittersweet-Series Book 1) Page 15

  “And why is your relationship so … tense?”

  “Where did you geht that idea?”

  A snort escapes her throat. “Oh, please. Anyone with reasonable eye-sight can see you guys share a history.”

  Curious and attentive. Basically, two very good qualities, albeit not when I’m being interrogated.

  “No clue. When they abruptly moved away three years ago, contact ended.”

  “What? Just like that? Why didn’t you stay in touch or visit them?”

  “I have to correct myself. Contact with Blake ended, Liam and I occasionally wrote to each other and Shane and I talked on the phone.”

  I sigh.

  “It’s not like I didn’t try to reach him. But he changed his number. Then, Liam informed me he didn’t want anything more to do with me. From one day to the next, he just disappeared from my life.”

  “Ouch …”

  “Tell me about it.”

  Thinking about it awakens memories I would have preferred stay hidden for good. That time was anything but easy for me and my mother certainly did nothing to help me feel better.

  “And yes, I visited. Which wasn’t easy. But whenever I was there, he was never around. Shane told me he was hardly ever home. At times, he didn’t see him for a whole week.

  He thought that given enough time, everything would go back to normal. Well, I guess he got that wrong.”

  She rests her chin thoughtfully on her knee. “So, you haven’t talked about whatever the problem is?”

  “No. I’m glad he is acting halfway decent toward me. You should’ve heard him the first time he saw me.”

  “H’m. Are you still going to talk to him?”

  “Yes,” spills hesitantly from my lips.

  “Eventually. First, I have to figure out what I supposedly did to him and where I stand with him.”

  I cannot stop thinking about Blake. I need certainty in order to keep going.

  “Good.” She nods and falls back into the soft cushions next to me.

  “You are attracted to him as well as have feelings for him.” It’s not a question, but an observation.

  “Yes,” I admit, and for a moment, close my eyes to compose myself.

  “Denying it wouldn’t do any good anyway, right?”

  “That’s right. But I didn’t think you’d cave this quickly and admit your feelings.”

  I smile to myself. “I thought I’d save us both time.”

  “Yeah, it’s funny how cooperative you are today, so unlike you.” Her expressive blue eyes look seriously at me.

  “So, do you have a plan yet?”

  “Not really. I’ll give him all the time he needs and I hope that someday we can eventually talk about it. Pushing him won’t get anything accomplished, so I’ll wait and see.”

  “That’s obvious,” she agrees, thoughtfully chewing on her lower lip.

  “And, what about your feelings for him?”

  “What about them?” I ask, astonished.

  “Will you tell him about your feelings for him?”

  My mouth drops. “And make a complete idiot of myself? I don’t think so!”

  Heather squints her eyes suspiciously together.

  The small frown that forms between her eyebrows shortly afterwards makes her appear older. “You’re exaggerating.”

  “I am definitely not going to try just to prove you wrong,” I quickly reply.

  Annoyed, I roll my eyes when I see the wheels in her head start turning, trying to conjure up some kind of nonsense.

  “Save your breath, I don’t even want to hear it,” I warn her.

  But she simply ignores my warning and presents me with prudent advice.

  “If you don’t talk to him, you’ll never find out how he feels about you. Someone has to take the first step.”

  “Who’s to say I’m even interested?” I inquire, sit up, and empty half the bottle. At the moment, alcohol would have been a better choice.

  “I bet my walk-in closet you are bursting with curiosity,” she replies confidently and sits up too.

  One of my eyebrows rises. “You don’t have a walk-in closet.”

  “Not yet.” she corrects me, grinning triumphantly.

  “Whatever. Nevertheless, I won’t embarrass myself by chasing after him like all the other women.”

  “You’re not supposed to run after him, you’re supposed to talk to him.”

  I get up and turn on the system Shane bought me. As Feels by Calvin Harris feat. Pharrell Williams, Katy Perry & Big Sean plays on the radio my mood instantly improves.

  What would I ever do without music?

  “At the moment, I don’t think it wise. The right time will present itself.”

  Heather rolls skillfully out of bed and shakes her hips in tune to the music. “You know, procrastination doesn’t solve problems, right? But, you never listen to me anyway.”

  “I’ve got this thing under control, trust me.”

  Well, I actually don’t. But she doesn’t need to know.

  She shrugs her shoulders. “If you say so. Now, I’m quite curious.”

  I join her and move to the beat while pushing all thoughts of Blake into the farthest recesses in my mind. For the time being.

  “So? What’s on the agenda for tonight?” I want to know and smile conspiratorially.

  I don’t know how long I’ve been lying here staring at the ceiling.

  I’m alone in the room, alone with my thoughts.

  Maybe minutes have passed, perhaps hours.

  What difference does it make?

  Last weekend, Heather and I were out. Just the two of us.

  To unwind, celebrate, and just have a little fun. It’s good I found someone I can confide in about everything.

  She’s so uncomplicated, so natural and direct. With her, I don’t have to worry about her pretending to be something she’s not.

  I’m sure I’ve found a real girlfriend in her. The first one ever.

  My studies progress better than expected. The lectures are interesting and fun. At least most of them.

  Meanwhile, I’ve even come to terms with Professor Reynold.

  Yes, he is a bit weird, and yes, he lives in his own crazy world, but I’m confident he will get the problem under control. After all, he lets us participate in his curriculum.

  A few days ago, I finally managed to call Emilia.

  For two hours, we talked, laughed, and discussed all sorts of things because neither of us wanted the call to end.

  Words cannot describe how much I miss that lively woman.

  Everything is the same at home.

  What did I expect?

  That my mother would become a better person now that I’m not around?

  Nonsense!

  People don’t change, especially not her.

  At least, for the most part, she leaves me alone.

  Once a week, I have to report in and bring her up to speed, that’s it.

  I’m sure she inquires about me with Shane behind my back, but I don’t care.

  She won’t hear anything bad. Because there’s nothing to find, because I won’t make a mistake.

  Things with Blake are good. If you can call what is going on between us good.

  He continues to provoke me at every opportunity and is constantly interfering in my affairs, but something has changed.

  Nowadays, when he looks at me, the expression in his eyes is somewhat softer, more possessive.

  He looks at me as if I belong to him and only him, which rather scares the shit out of me.

  He should not look at me like that, yet he does.

  I should not like it, yet I do.

  Although I should be happy, I’m not.

  The anxiety weighing on me like a dark shadow that seems to be just about to envelop me has become un-bearable in recent days.

  It is threatening to overwhelm me. Like a tight cage I no longer can escape using my own strength.

  Again and again, the same thought shoo
ts through my mind: I have to get out of here.

  Now.

  Right away.

  Before I suffocate.

  I pull back the comforter, slip out of bed, and plod barefoot to the door. The tight feeling in my chest becomes more pronounced and I find it increasingly harder to breathe.

  Everything inside me screams I should run downstairs and rip open the door, but I resist the urge and clench my jaw.

  Instead, I tiptoe noiselessly down the long hallway, down the stairs, slip into whoever’s shoes, and step outside into the open.

  Cool night air assaults me, making me gasp greedily for oxygen for the first moment.

  Goose bumps form on my skin, creeping up my arms and legs where the thin top and short shorts do not cover my body.

  I pull the door behind me close and run.

  Flipping the switch in my head, I suffocate whatever thoughts that do not want to give me a momentary moment of peace.

  Thoughts about my mother, my father, my new life, and my feelings for Blake dominate my mind, sowing doubt in me.

  The road is dimly lit, everything appears so idyllic and unhurried.

  Not one soul crosses my path and ruins the picture. Only me, the darkness, and this soothing silence.

  How many times did I sneak out as a child whenever I felt I was unable to breathe inside our home?

  Countless times I’ve felt helpless and abandoned. When all I wanted was to break out of that cage and run away.

  River.

  One word.

  A song.

  Perfect on so many levels.

  You can run away

  Pretend you don’t care

  Can push me away

  Because you don’t let anyone get close

  You can hurt me with your words

  I increase my pace. Wrap my arms protectively around my body, ignoring the cold trying to creep into my bones with every step I take.

  Don’t run away from me, river

  Don’t give up

  Where do you go when you’re at your wits end?

  My heart is your home

  Nothing is as cold

  As running away alone

  No matter how far I go, no matter how much I fight it, the tightness in my chest simply does not want to lessen.

  Maybe you have to hit rock bottom

  That’s what people like you do

  When you fall in love

  Everything will be different

  Don’t run away from our love

  Even though I know you can’t, shouldn’t run away from your problems, it is the only thing keeping me from going mad.

  As I’m about to turn the next corner, wanting to escape my thoughts further, two strong arms grab my waist from behind and impede my progress.

  Before a startled cry can burst from my throat, a big hand covers mouth and stifles the sound.

  “Hush,” a familiar voice calmly whispers in my ear.

  When I realize who is hugging me so naturally, all tension falls away from me.

  Exhausted, I lean against him and briefly close my eyes for a moment.

  “How did you even find me?” I quietly ask as soon as he removes his hand from my mouth.

  He pulls me even tighter against his warm body and gently rests his chin on my head. Just like he once did on campus.

  “By following you.”

  “Why?”

  “I was worried about you,” he admits softly.

  His words make my heart skip a beat.

  “I saw you sneaking out unnoticed and ran after you.”

  “And here I thought I had perfected my ninja skills,” I mumble, disappointed.

  A deep male laughter bursts from his throat.

  “A lynx’s hearing is incomparable to mine,” he replies with a grin.

  “But to be fair, you should know the floor creaks in a few places.”

  “Absolutely nothing gets by you.”

  He shrugs his shoulders. “I was awake anyway.”

  “You couldn’t sleep?” I want to know, scared to move even an inch. Out of fear I might ruin the moment.

  “Maybe. What’s up with you?”

  “For some reason, everything seemed a bit much. I just had to get out,” I confess.

  I don’t know why I’m telling him the truth.

  Maybe it’s because I don’t have to look at his face.

  Maybe because it’s good to know he cares about me.

  Maybe just because I’m tired of running away.

  “Come on.” He releases my waist, takes my hand, and nimbly turns me around with a skilful movement.

  “I know a place you might like. But first,” he takes off his dark blue college jacket and holds it out to me, “put this on.”

  For a few seconds, we stare at each other silently before I finally give in and slip on the jacket.

  The fabric feels pleasantly soft and warm against my skin. I literally drown in it, but I don’t care.

  As Blake’s familiar scent hits and envelops me, I subconsciously snuggle in a bit more.

  The gesture is so out of character for him, so … cute.

  “Thank you,” I whisper.

  As he leads the way, he holds my hand firmly enclosed with his. Only when we arrive on the small hill, he releases himself from me, grabs me by the shoulders and gently pushes me toward the edge.

  “From up here, we have a fantastic panoramic view of the whole city,” he whispers near my ear.

  “It’s …” I start, pausing because I don’t actually know what to say.

  “Beautiful?” he finishes my sentence and I nod.

  “I didn’t know such a place existed.”

  “I always come here when I long for solitude or just want to clear my head.”

  The fact that he is showing me this special place tells me he hasn’t completely given up on me.

  A part of him still trusts me.

  “This here,” I point at the breathtaking view, “really means a lot to me, Blake. I don’t even know how to thank you.” I tilt my head slightly as I look at him over my shoulder.

  “You don’t have to,” he says quietly and unexpectedly plops down on the grass next to me.

  Before I can react, he grabs me by the wrist and pulls me down to him.

  He puts an arm around me and gently cradles my head on his warm chest.

  “Care to let me in on what’s bothering you?”

  I gaze upward, marveling at the beautiful clear starry sky and enjoy the comfortable silence for a moment.

  “I guess I’m just now realizing that I’m starting a completely new chapter in my life, one I must face alone.”

  “What makes you think you’re alone?” he asks, surprised.

  “You know my mother,” I reply stiffly.

  “She has not changed and probably never will. I won’t kid myself.” I pause briefly and breathe deeply.

  “Anyway, I’m still grateful to her. Without her, I wouldn’t be here and my dream would still be that: a dream.”

  Under my fingertips I feel his muscles contracting. Whether it’s the temperature or because of what I said, I cannot tell.

  “A person’s character never changes. One can alter one’s appearance, maybe, but never their true nature. Anything else is only a beautiful facade.”

  The pain in his voice is unmistakable.

  Why can’t I get rid of the feeling that his words go deeper than you might think?

  “So true,” I whisper. “Perhaps you’re even right about that.”

  “That’t not all,” he notes.

  “No, it wasn’t.”

  “I won’t tell anyone,” he whispers, brushing a wind-blown lock out of my face.

  Maybe I have longed for these exact words.

  Maybe he waited for the right time to show me his gentle side.

  Maybe this is just one of his numerous deceitful games, I’m falling for.

  Whatever it is, I don’t care.

  “Lately, I keep thinking about my fat
her and the reason he left us the way he did.

  I mean, I barely remember the man who conceived me, but deep down in me slumbers this longing. This urge to get to know him and finally get answers to my questions.”

  “Your mother still doesn’t talk about it?”

  “No.” I grind my teeth.

  “Every time I bring up the subject, she either plays stupid, ignores my questions, or freaks out completely.”

  “Why don’t you ask Shane for help?” he suggests. “After all, those two were friends.”

  Lost in thought, I trace imaginary patterns on his chest with my fingers. Perhaps to reassure myself or something like that.

  “What do you think I did?” I sigh dejectedly.

  “Unfortunately, Shane can’t help me either. Back when my father took off, he also broke off all contact with his friends. It’s like he never existed.”

  “H’m. And the money?”

  I blink at him, surprised. “What are you talking about?”

  “From where does your mom get all this money?”

  “Savings? Inheritance? I’m the last person she would talk to about her finances.”

  He wraps his fingers around mine and guides them to his lips.

  “What are you doing?” I ask somewhat overwhelmed and stare mesmerized at his seductive mouth.

  “Your hands are freezing cold,” he replies seriously, staring insistently at me. “Mine aren’t.”

  A simple gesture on his part is enough to completely disconcert me and jumble my thoughts.

  His midnight blue eyes are focused solely on me and with every passing second, it seems my painfully erected façade, which I laboriously try to maintain in his presence, seems to get cracks.

  “Aren’t you cold?” I ask needlessly.

  Would his body be so damn hot otherwise?

  He breathes little kisses on my fingertips. “Don’t worry about me.”

  His warm breath caresses my cool skin, causing a pleasant tingling sensation, even though the touch of his soft lips should not feel so right.

  “You have to find out the source of her wealth,” he whispers. “Focus on that and you will find what you seek.”

  “Do you think my father is behind it?”

  His gaze darkens a bit. “I’m actually quite sure.”

  I don’t know whether it’s the way he looks at me or the determination in his voice. But I’m convinced there’s more to it than my mother will be willing to admit.